Dictionary.com defines solace as comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort.
Brian O' translates the Irish word solas several ways:
Solas (Sol-as) - light, brightness
Solas an lae (Sol-as un lay) daylight
Solas (Sol-as) - enlightenment
But tonight especially:
Sólás (So-lawss) - comfort, reassurance, consolation
It has been an intense evening, in need of both solas and sólás. Shortly after we arrived at my grandmother's house outside Chicago, the gusts and lightening rose to knock power in and out. Not a steady blackout, but a constant brush with darkness. Teasing, threatening. Despite, we managed games and dinner, and a bit of light hearted (croí solas) talk.
Not all was croí solas. Throughout the evening my grandmother sank further into the darkness (gan solas). Well into the stages of Alzheimer's, conversations became strained as we repeated the same banter: where did we live? how long were we staying to visit? did we know her songs were on the radio, stolen by the lady who came to her house? wasn't it nice she could come visit our beautiful house; it reminds her so much of her own!
That last comment hit me hard each time she came back around. No, Grandma, this is your house. Oh, really? She'd answer, truly surprised. I live in a nice house I guess.
She doesn't have a home any more.
To her, home is 40 years away, in a little house on Nelson Street in Chicago. Not her house on Pitcher Drive from my own childhood memories; hunting for fireflies or playing games late into the night. And certainly not this place, where strange ladies come and steal her songs to put on the radio, and she always has her friend underfoot (who was hired several years ago as a live in aid). As we left, she told us how nice it was to meet us. It was all I could do to not hold back tears.
Arriving at the hotel, my fiddle became my immediate solace. My comfort. My light in the darkness. Sólás.
24 June 2013
17 March 2013
The Session Dilemma
I have a secret.
I've quit. Cold turkey. No more.
Except maybe for social reasons.
Sessions are now a thing of the past. For now, anyway.
As I'm working on these tunes, cleaning up (and dirtying down) habits, I'm finding I can play at home, alone, for hours. I feel like I'm making great progress in my technique and confidence. Although some days, as to be expected, are better than others, I am feeling like I'm improving.
Except for when I go to sessions. About the last three or so weeks, I've found each session I've attended to be a frustrating and even debilitating time. Attending sessions I find I cannot focus on the tunes with the detail I've found a deep rooted desire for. I cannot allow the space in the tune, and especially the time to (gasp!) practice a tune during a session setting. Given the amount of effort it takes to relearn a music, I feel like I'm simply reinforcing bad habits when I play with groups of others. So this is it. I'm done going to sessions.
On that same note, I've also significantly cut back on my listening. Though Majella encouraged submerging myself deeper, I recently found that when I am listening (too?) much, I implant what I think I hear over my playing, instead of hearing my own playing for what it is. Perhaps seems counterintuitive. Nevertheless, has been quite an effective strategy.
Playing has been upped to a minimum requirement of 60 minutes each day. More often than not, I don't complete what I feel I should do for a day in those meager 60 minutes. I am working at starting playing earlier in the day so I don't feel I'm impeding on other crucial activities (such as sleep. Which apparently my body has decided it needs more of than it's been getting and tells me this with great gusto). Day 330 and I make sure I get my minimum, but I haven't sorted a way to make sure I start playing sooner.
Will work on that.
I've quit. Cold turkey. No more.
Except maybe for social reasons.
Sessions are now a thing of the past. For now, anyway.
As I'm working on these tunes, cleaning up (and dirtying down) habits, I'm finding I can play at home, alone, for hours. I feel like I'm making great progress in my technique and confidence. Although some days, as to be expected, are better than others, I am feeling like I'm improving.
Except for when I go to sessions. About the last three or so weeks, I've found each session I've attended to be a frustrating and even debilitating time. Attending sessions I find I cannot focus on the tunes with the detail I've found a deep rooted desire for. I cannot allow the space in the tune, and especially the time to (gasp!) practice a tune during a session setting. Given the amount of effort it takes to relearn a music, I feel like I'm simply reinforcing bad habits when I play with groups of others. So this is it. I'm done going to sessions.
On that same note, I've also significantly cut back on my listening. Though Majella encouraged submerging myself deeper, I recently found that when I am listening (too?) much, I implant what I think I hear over my playing, instead of hearing my own playing for what it is. Perhaps seems counterintuitive. Nevertheless, has been quite an effective strategy.
Playing has been upped to a minimum requirement of 60 minutes each day. More often than not, I don't complete what I feel I should do for a day in those meager 60 minutes. I am working at starting playing earlier in the day so I don't feel I'm impeding on other crucial activities (such as sleep. Which apparently my body has decided it needs more of than it's been getting and tells me this with great gusto). Day 330 and I make sure I get my minimum, but I haven't sorted a way to make sure I start playing sooner.
Will work on that.
27 February 2013
Two steps forward, one leap back
It is always an enlightening process to make advances in an area of practice. I've been playing long enough to know that set backs are a part of the game, and not to take them too close to heart, but it is still a difficult and often frustrating process to work through. Recently I've found I'd made great strides in relaxing and releasing into the music. It had, in a wonderful way, become a meditative experience; no thoughts, pure moment. A beautiful way to spend an afternoon or evening.
Two lessons in, focusing on refining some bits of my playing, and I feel as if I've taken an enormous leap backwards. As I play now, I find myself in a constant state of thought, working on bowing, ornaments, emphasis. The concentration is constant. And the concentration is definitely being a set back in the meditative and releasing feeling. It takes great effort to move forward in the details I'm working on while releasing into the music concurrently. As of yet, this is a rare, rare occurrence. I know it will come back, given time and practice, but it is difficult to balance the need for growth with the desire for letting go. Had a glimpse Monday night as I looped the sections of Roscommon Reel played by Randal...over time I found myself sinking into the comfort of the sound, releasing the expectations and enjoying the music, the feel of the vibrations, the meditative quality of the sounds. It has been a leap back, but I believe several steps forward are on the near horizon.
Two lessons in, focusing on refining some bits of my playing, and I feel as if I've taken an enormous leap backwards. As I play now, I find myself in a constant state of thought, working on bowing, ornaments, emphasis. The concentration is constant. And the concentration is definitely being a set back in the meditative and releasing feeling. It takes great effort to move forward in the details I'm working on while releasing into the music concurrently. As of yet, this is a rare, rare occurrence. I know it will come back, given time and practice, but it is difficult to balance the need for growth with the desire for letting go. Had a glimpse Monday night as I looped the sections of Roscommon Reel played by Randal...over time I found myself sinking into the comfort of the sound, releasing the expectations and enjoying the music, the feel of the vibrations, the meditative quality of the sounds. It has been a leap back, but I believe several steps forward are on the near horizon.
18 February 2013
Guru Peoples
They say one of the biggest advantages a musician has is to set one's heart on a role, a chair, a program, and face the terrible disappointment when it doesn't come to light. But then a musician is given the opportunity to bounce back, work harder, buckle down in those places most needed, and grow in spite (or because) of the set back.
"Not yet" she said. She didn't say no. She didn't say never. She even said that I have potential. I just need to buckle down. And buckle down I will.
Conversations with l'autre this evening helped me over facing the disappointment of "not yet." Able to share similar feelings of frustration and difficulties at this stage of learning. Trying to find the joys in the small progress. Finding the small progress. Becoming our own best teacher. It is a daunting task.
But even the best teachers often have a guru. A guide. A master or sage. Perhaps this person is someone they know, perhaps it is a distant entity they look to for inspiration. Goal: make "not yet" become "yes, we want you for our program!" Path: Sound more authentically Irish. Plan: Study THE Irish fiddle player. He will probably never know, but I'm taking the next bit of time and making Tommy Peoples my fiddle guru.
Playlist: check
Videos: check
Lesson time: check
Ok, so the lesson isn't with Tommy, but with another great fiddle player, Randal Bays. So I will be studying fiddle on a few different levels. Tunes with Randal, tunes from Tommy, and intensive practicing and (hopefully!) self discovery.
"Not yet" she said. She didn't say no. She didn't say never. She even said that I have potential. I just need to buckle down. And buckle down I will.
Conversations with l'autre this evening helped me over facing the disappointment of "not yet." Able to share similar feelings of frustration and difficulties at this stage of learning. Trying to find the joys in the small progress. Finding the small progress. Becoming our own best teacher. It is a daunting task.
But even the best teachers often have a guru. A guide. A master or sage. Perhaps this person is someone they know, perhaps it is a distant entity they look to for inspiration. Goal: make "not yet" become "yes, we want you for our program!" Path: Sound more authentically Irish. Plan: Study THE Irish fiddle player. He will probably never know, but I'm taking the next bit of time and making Tommy Peoples my fiddle guru.
Playlist: check
Videos: check
Lesson time: check
Ok, so the lesson isn't with Tommy, but with another great fiddle player, Randal Bays. So I will be studying fiddle on a few different levels. Tunes with Randal, tunes from Tommy, and intensive practicing and (hopefully!) self discovery.
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
12 February 2013
When Students Do the Teaching
I often find the most impacting lessons I teach (from the perspective of the teacher) are those in which my students actually do the teaching. Just a few short hours until my interview for the graduate program at UL and my students gave me the perfect lesson to help me through tonight's audition.
Both of my students attend the same school and their school orchestra was performing a concert this evening. Last week, their director asked them if they'd like to play something from their private lessons as a solo on the concert. Both students were very enthusiastic, but both were also a bit apprehensive to get up in front of an audience of that size on their own. As they shared their worries and concerns, I did my best to give them the support and advice to get through at their best.
Talking to them, I realized that those same words of support and advice were exactly what I needed to tell myself to get through tonight. I have been feel quite apprehensive, to the point of upsetting myself needlessly, and having to work my way through calming myself down. Tonight I shared with both of them at their lesson: technically, they were on par for their tune, but after the hours of practicing and playing, they had lost the spark that made the tune come alive. Relax and love the tune again, and suddenly the spark reappeared for them both.
It dawned on me that after my hours of practicing the same set of tunes for my audition I'd begun to lose some of the spark that made me love these tunes in the first place. Tonight when I came home, I picked up my fiddle to run through the tunes once before resting. Although I kept some of the technique in the back of my head (back beat, back beat, back beat), my main anchor lied in thinking of my students, and especially my own love of the music. And the spark reappeared.
Both of my students attend the same school and their school orchestra was performing a concert this evening. Last week, their director asked them if they'd like to play something from their private lessons as a solo on the concert. Both students were very enthusiastic, but both were also a bit apprehensive to get up in front of an audience of that size on their own. As they shared their worries and concerns, I did my best to give them the support and advice to get through at their best.
Talking to them, I realized that those same words of support and advice were exactly what I needed to tell myself to get through tonight. I have been feel quite apprehensive, to the point of upsetting myself needlessly, and having to work my way through calming myself down. Tonight I shared with both of them at their lesson: technically, they were on par for their tune, but after the hours of practicing and playing, they had lost the spark that made the tune come alive. Relax and love the tune again, and suddenly the spark reappeared for them both.
It dawned on me that after my hours of practicing the same set of tunes for my audition I'd begun to lose some of the spark that made me love these tunes in the first place. Tonight when I came home, I picked up my fiddle to run through the tunes once before resting. Although I kept some of the technique in the back of my head (back beat, back beat, back beat), my main anchor lied in thinking of my students, and especially my own love of the music. And the spark reappeared.
10 February 2013
Start Subtracting
This last week in particular I have found myself fighting some high stress levels. Yesterday felt particularly high. After the AOSA Share Session I came home in a stress ball about the weather, about the lesson I was supposed to teach, about my tunes for my UL audition, feeling upset with my body, angry with my mother about my life choices, feeling generally cluttered, and genuinely overwhelmed. I was in such a panic about destressing I was struggling letting things go, even those things that I knew weren't a big deal. My destress of late, playing tunes, only seemed to make things worse. Which only added to my stress.
What to do?
When things aren't adding up in your life, start subtracting.
Put on some orange-cinnamon-clove-peppercorn on the stovetop before my student came. Simple. And I know when the house smells good, I am more likely to take deep breaths. Nothing like toying with the ANS. Put on some chicken noodle soup for a quick lunch. And sat down to get the tune I was supposed to teach under my fingers enough to make my way through it, tho I knew it wouldn't be pretty.
After my student left, I still felt cluttered. Commence Disney movies and paper purge: I spent almost 5 hours going through papers from AOSA and recycled an entire file tote full, plus more I will scan then recycle (by permission of other board members and long time members). When I took over the presidency of the Chapter, the tote that came with the job was stuffed so full I could not get papers out without removing half the box. I bought another tote, and a small divider binder for my most important documents. I am now down to less than one tote full. I even had enough room to squeeze in the raffle ticket roll (still mostly full), the bag of name tags, a bag of 30 some pens, and the AOSA brochures. And now have an extra tote and divider binder to help me organize some other bits I've been meaning tackle. Soon my term as the president will be over, and I'll be able to hand over the tote (and the Easter basket) with a sense of relief and release.
Today when I woke I was still feeling a sense of distress. Took some time lounging in bed, a nice egg and toast breakfast, and then wrote a letter to one currently heightening my stress levels. I don't know if I'll send the letter, and there are some things I'd still like to add, but it is good to write these things down. Let's me release them from my head. If I know the paper will remember, I don't have to think about it so hard. Also helped me get some thoughts straight about who I am and what exactly I'm doing. Changes in my perception of my Self and my Future. Then I did some yoga. Oh, I forget how much I miss yoga, and how good it makes me feel.
I have been contemplating undertaking another detox week. I did one about a year and half ago. The first few days I felt awful, but in the long run, it really helped my body rebalance. Trouble is finding a time when I know I can let go of things. With the UL interview and audition this week, Valentine's Day candy coming from students, and a weekend getaway with a couple girlfriends over President's Day weekend, I have been putting it off. And rightly so. It does no good to start a detox and then stress the body by having a million offers (good or bad) you then have to refuse. As I consider the detox however, I do think I am over due for one. A good long one, perhaps. That will include adding in more yoga, meditating, setting a specific diet for a bit, and releasing. Subtracting. I have let my life run away a bit, and it's time to take some steps to bring it back into balance.
What does all of this have to do with fiddle and tunes? Well...when I'm stressed I have been turning to tunes for a down. A meditation and escape if you will. Unfortunately, I am so worried about my audition that I am finding it's not being that for me right now. As soon as I'm past the audition, I think I'll be back on my prior track. I'm looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to remembering that I do have ways to subtract, to mediate, to escape, that doesn't involve having my fiddle in my hands. I will need to remember this in the coming year with my Master's program. And I am learning to be gentle with my Self regarding my demands on my playing. I am progressing, and I am continuing my goal to play every day (at least 30 minutes now, which isn't hard even focusing on my audition tunes), but to allow for flexibility and patience as I work on the music. And it will be interesting to see how the tunes incorporate with the detox. Last time, I did not play during the detox. This time, I hope to interweave the tunes I play with the Self purging.
What to do?
When things aren't adding up in your life, start subtracting.
Put on some orange-cinnamon-clove-peppercorn on the stovetop before my student came. Simple. And I know when the house smells good, I am more likely to take deep breaths. Nothing like toying with the ANS. Put on some chicken noodle soup for a quick lunch. And sat down to get the tune I was supposed to teach under my fingers enough to make my way through it, tho I knew it wouldn't be pretty.
After my student left, I still felt cluttered. Commence Disney movies and paper purge: I spent almost 5 hours going through papers from AOSA and recycled an entire file tote full, plus more I will scan then recycle (by permission of other board members and long time members). When I took over the presidency of the Chapter, the tote that came with the job was stuffed so full I could not get papers out without removing half the box. I bought another tote, and a small divider binder for my most important documents. I am now down to less than one tote full. I even had enough room to squeeze in the raffle ticket roll (still mostly full), the bag of name tags, a bag of 30 some pens, and the AOSA brochures. And now have an extra tote and divider binder to help me organize some other bits I've been meaning tackle. Soon my term as the president will be over, and I'll be able to hand over the tote (and the Easter basket) with a sense of relief and release.
Today when I woke I was still feeling a sense of distress. Took some time lounging in bed, a nice egg and toast breakfast, and then wrote a letter to one currently heightening my stress levels. I don't know if I'll send the letter, and there are some things I'd still like to add, but it is good to write these things down. Let's me release them from my head. If I know the paper will remember, I don't have to think about it so hard. Also helped me get some thoughts straight about who I am and what exactly I'm doing. Changes in my perception of my Self and my Future. Then I did some yoga. Oh, I forget how much I miss yoga, and how good it makes me feel.
I have been contemplating undertaking another detox week. I did one about a year and half ago. The first few days I felt awful, but in the long run, it really helped my body rebalance. Trouble is finding a time when I know I can let go of things. With the UL interview and audition this week, Valentine's Day candy coming from students, and a weekend getaway with a couple girlfriends over President's Day weekend, I have been putting it off. And rightly so. It does no good to start a detox and then stress the body by having a million offers (good or bad) you then have to refuse. As I consider the detox however, I do think I am over due for one. A good long one, perhaps. That will include adding in more yoga, meditating, setting a specific diet for a bit, and releasing. Subtracting. I have let my life run away a bit, and it's time to take some steps to bring it back into balance.
What does all of this have to do with fiddle and tunes? Well...when I'm stressed I have been turning to tunes for a down. A meditation and escape if you will. Unfortunately, I am so worried about my audition that I am finding it's not being that for me right now. As soon as I'm past the audition, I think I'll be back on my prior track. I'm looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to remembering that I do have ways to subtract, to mediate, to escape, that doesn't involve having my fiddle in my hands. I will need to remember this in the coming year with my Master's program. And I am learning to be gentle with my Self regarding my demands on my playing. I am progressing, and I am continuing my goal to play every day (at least 30 minutes now, which isn't hard even focusing on my audition tunes), but to allow for flexibility and patience as I work on the music. And it will be interesting to see how the tunes incorporate with the detox. Last time, I did not play during the detox. This time, I hope to interweave the tunes I play with the Self purging.
29 January 2013
Creative Process Countdown
Day 282
This morning (last night, really) I had a chat with Majella, one of the Course Directors for the UL Trad Performance Masters. It was lovely hearing the true Irish lilt again, and of course, to get the full run down on the Programme. A recent addition to the Course is an assessment of your own creative process. This includes a peer review as well as a journal to be kept for a minimum of two to three weeks. I don't know of a better motivation to become more active writing here. Between l'autre's encouragement and knowing I will need to keep a journal of these trials and tribulations in the future, I plan to add 5-10 minutes of writing per day of playing. Not sure if I'm ready to make myself wait to black out days of playing until I've done my writing reflection, but perhaps that is what will bring motivation to completion. Wish me luck.
Majella was kind enough to listen to my playing a bit and give a small bit of feedback, mainly, to work the focus to the backbeat, versus the downbeat. Playing tunes over the phone is not an easy listening task, however, so she asked me to make a recording and email it to her so she could give it a more proper listen. After a tasty breakfast of eggs and toast, I did a trial recording. Specifically did not try and change anything about how I've been playing the tunes. What an eye opener! I cannot believe how much listening to myself play without being in the act of playing allowed me to surrender to the sounds. And yes, I am quite heavy on the downbeats. Something I will dive into adjusting. Today.
Foreseeing high intake of tea levels in 3...2...1....
This morning (last night, really) I had a chat with Majella, one of the Course Directors for the UL Trad Performance Masters. It was lovely hearing the true Irish lilt again, and of course, to get the full run down on the Programme. A recent addition to the Course is an assessment of your own creative process. This includes a peer review as well as a journal to be kept for a minimum of two to three weeks. I don't know of a better motivation to become more active writing here. Between l'autre's encouragement and knowing I will need to keep a journal of these trials and tribulations in the future, I plan to add 5-10 minutes of writing per day of playing. Not sure if I'm ready to make myself wait to black out days of playing until I've done my writing reflection, but perhaps that is what will bring motivation to completion. Wish me luck.
Majella was kind enough to listen to my playing a bit and give a small bit of feedback, mainly, to work the focus to the backbeat, versus the downbeat. Playing tunes over the phone is not an easy listening task, however, so she asked me to make a recording and email it to her so she could give it a more proper listen. After a tasty breakfast of eggs and toast, I did a trial recording. Specifically did not try and change anything about how I've been playing the tunes. What an eye opener! I cannot believe how much listening to myself play without being in the act of playing allowed me to surrender to the sounds. And yes, I am quite heavy on the downbeats. Something I will dive into adjusting. Today.
Foreseeing high intake of tea levels in 3...2...1....
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