Begin at the End

Beginnings: it is that time of year in which you can feel them humming in the air.  The budding tress, the tulips showing off their vibrant colors, the birds sharing a new song, and the lambs merrily prancing in the fresh green grass.  Mother Earth is waking up and stretching her cold, stiff muscles in the newborn sunshine.  And it is beautiful.

With as much as is beginning right now, I feel sharp the edge of endings.  Part of this is my mistake of counting to and from significant and insignificant dates; four months since that happened, five weeks until this, two months on Friday since that occurred, three days until this starts.  In many ways I have lifted myself out of springtime and observed it from a distance.  I have forgotten to sink into the small spaces, to allow myself space to process and enjoy the moment for what it is: longing, joy, fear, excitement, frustration, satisfaction.  Instead of embracing and appreciating the experiences for what they are and what they might help me learn, I have been avoiding living through them.

The realization of my avoidance struck a nerve recently, and I dove into some considerable thought as to what I want from life.  I won't spoil the surprise for anyone who might read this, but let's just admit, I do not want to follow the stereotypical path that many of my friends currently post about on facebook.  And you know what that realization brought me?  An intense sense of invigoration.

Although deep down I've known for a while I'm not following the beaten path, I've never quite been able to imagine what it might consist of.  It took some dark days and floods of tears to realize that I'm on an amazing and exciting adventure.  That I can still support those I love and cherish while I explore my own trails and push societal expectations aside.  I have realized that, thanks to the unique Tiwi relationship to their own family members, I can fill the roles of mother and father, of auntie and uncle, but maintain my fierce independence from the norm.  In many ways I feel like I can see my happy ending; I have realized a role I find revitalizing and igniting.  And the best part is, I know that it is not the end, but a whole new beginning.

A Thousand Kisses Deep

Poem by Leonard Cohen 

which I cannot listen to enough times this evening.

Kissed by the rain.

Don't matter if the road is long 

Don't matter if it's steep
Don't matter if the moon is gone and the darkness is complete
Don't matter if we lose our way it's written that we'll meet
At least that's what I heard you say
A thousand kisses deep

I loved you when you opened like a Lilly to the heat 

You see I'm just another snowman standing in the rain and sleet
Who loved you with his frozen love
His second hand physique
With all he is and all he was
A thousand kisses deep

I know you had to lie to me
I know you had to cheat
You learned it on your father's knee
And at your mother's feet
But did you have to fight your way across the burning street
When all our vital interests lay
A thousand kisses deep

I'm turning tricks
I'm getting fixed
I'm back on boogie street
I'd like to quit the business but I'm in it so to speak

The thought of you is peaceful
And the file on you complete
Except what I forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep

Don't matter if you're rich and strong
Don't matter if you're weak
Don't matter if you write a song the nightingales repeat
Don't matter if it's nine to five or timeless and unique
You'd ditch your life to stay alive
A thousand kisses deep

The ponies run the girls are young
The odds are there to beat
You win a while and then it's done your little winning streak
And summoned now to deal with your invincible defeat
You live your life as if it's real
A thousand kisses deep

I hear their voices in the wine
Who sometimes did we seek
The band is playing Auld Lang Syne but the heart will not retreat
There's no forsaking what you love
No existential leap
As witnessed here in time and blood
A thousand kisses deep



He reads it here. Entrancing.

Embracing the Vulnerable

Madeleine L'Engle was one of my favorite
authors growing up.

Recently I have been considering the tumultuous state of vulnerability within my Self, Others, and my relationship with those Others.  A touchy concept, vulnerability.  As I observe and recognize it in other people, I realize the plethora of negative connotations vulnerability embodies.  Even in my Self, my latest (consciously recognized) vulnerable encounters have been difficult and emotionally draining.  But why???

When I travel alone, I am particularly vulnerable.  This scares my mother.  In all honesty, sometimes it scares me.  At the same time, when I take the opportunity to open my Self up and embrace my vulnerability and dependence upon the actions of another human being, I allow my Self to experience a unique connection with another wandering soul.  This connection, however fleeting, nourishes my engagement with the universe via the kindness of another.  Embracing vulnerability allows the expanse of the universe, all that exists, to seep into my own Self and mingle with my own expression of the cosmos. 

Can vulnerability be more beautiful?

Viewed this way, a constant state of vulnerability, a constant exchange with the expanse of nature, might parallel enlightenment.  Yet since being home, my dalliances with vulnerability have not left me feeling more connected.  They have not left me lifted and open, but hurt, closed, and disjointed.  Recently, when I witness those close to me confront a vulnerable state, they appear lost, angry, and depressed. This time spent at “home” has twisted my relationship with vulnerability.  Where once I felt connected, now I feel exposed.  Where once I felt uplifted, now I feel dragged down.

Could these negative vulnerable experiences be as much a part of the beautiful exchange with the universe as the uplifting vulnerable experiences?

As a society of pleasure seekers, we are often sent a message: any experience which makes us feel “bad” – anger, loneliness, fear, anxious, weakness – should be avoided and exchanged for a “good” experience as quickly as possible.  But as a patient seeker of my own true Self, I am slowly, meticulously, learning these “bad” emotions and experiences are equally important to embrace as the “good” ones.  Opening to a vulnerable state no matter its connotation among today’s society allows my Self to experience deeper and fuller states of Being.

In seeking my true Self, more and more I realize it is more important to change my view on an experience rather than changing the experience itself.  In recognizing the positive encounters with vulnerability, I am also able to recognize the positive-ness of negative encounters.  This is proving to take practice, patience, and compassion with my Self.  Acknowledging the small spaces, appreciating moments in their essence, breathing through experiences no matter their positive-negative associations, each of these conscious choices small steps toward embracing my vulnerable states.  Small steps toward fully opening my encounters with the Universe.  Allowing safety in vulnerability.